[Verse 1]
We stumbled out the front of the pub Midnight breath
Chips in a bag Street was quiet
Taxi rank empty Just us two and a stray on the flag
Little brown mutt on the pavement Tail going like it swallowed a drum
Flat on its back, Tongue busy as,
Doing gymnastics, with its own bum

[Chorus]
I said "If I could do that I wouldn't need you  Love"
She squinted through the streetlight Then started cracking up
She said "Before you dream that big You filthy little flirt
If you wanna try a trick like that You’d better pat the dog first"

[Verse 2]
She’s doubled over there on the footpath
I’m just standing with my jaw on the floor
She jabs a thumb at the mongrel
Rolling round like it owns the door
"That dog’s got more manners than you do
And probably better chat as well
You’re lucky I’m still walking beside you
You cheeky so-and-so from hell" (hey!)

[Chorus]
I said "If I could do that I wouldn't need you Love"
She snorted Wiped her eyes then Gave my shoulder a shove
She said "Keep your stupid superpowers And your dodgy little words
’Cause if you wanna stay with me You’d better pat the dog first"

[Bridge]
So I crouched down Gave it a scratch
Dog looked up like "Mate You’re cursed"
She grinned Slipped her arm through mine
"Good boy — that’s a start Not the worst"

[Chorus]
I said "If I could do that I wouldn't need you Love"
Now every time she tells the story The whole pub cracks up
She says "He’s got a one-track mind And the world’s most tragic flirt
But I married him anyway ’Cause he patted the dog first"